White Stuff

Eight months pregnant...and single...

The only thing on my mind was impending birth and Mochachip Starbucks Coffee Ice Cream...

An old high school friend found me on facebook and after hearing my 'Woe-is-me' tale exclaimed, "You have to meet my play brother!"

I was sure she hadn't heard me say, "I am eight months pregnant..."

Last time I checked that wasn't a plus for men in the dating pool...

Over the next few days we went down memory lane so often I couldn't tell if I was here or there(1986)...and at least once each day she reminded me about how awesome her 'brother' was...

One day she called me and said, "Here he is...he's on the phone...I want you two to talk...exchange numbers now!"

I was pissed and he sounded just as enthusiastic about the situation...we exchanged numbers and I think I called him first...

My thought process was, " I won't be interested and how could he possibly be interested in me? I'm eight months pregnant..."

I should digress here. I am not equating 8 months of pregnancy to a hideous disease or even a relationship downer...I am saying for me...I didn't feel I was at an optimum moment in life to be meeting/dating someone...

So I was all ready to hear his "blah blah blah' from his life history, then I could tell my matchmaker friend that "...sorry...we just don't mesh...'

But the first phone call lasted a couple of hours...he was awesome...gainfully employed...active father...a chatter...

He was seperated and had custody of 5 kids. I was sympatheric to his story, in that, he had tried to reconcile a few times but it was always short lived...

We talked a lot about our matchmaker friend and how, while weren't looking for anything serious, we were glad she pushed us together...

Oer the next few days we talked on the phone a lot and although he had told me he had his 'own transportation'; it was matchmaker friend who said, "When ya'll go out make sure he brings the Hummer...'

Sidenote: Every since the first time I EVER saw a Hummer on the street it has been my dream vehicle...

He wanted to meet in person.

He insisted, as a former ugly duckling, that outside appearances didn't matter to him...so we set up an ice cream date...

I was about 20 minutes late. I had changed 20 times. My hair wouldn't act right. I felt like I had gained an additional 20 pounds overnight. And the baby was cartwheeling inside of me.

He had already finished a small yogurt waiting on me; so I got a huge waffle cone with two different types of ice cream.

Nobody talked as I nervously nibbled on my cone. I was sure he was thinking 'what the heck am I doing?'

Finally, I couldn't take the silence anymore. I said, "You can talk if you'd like...'

He said, "Did I tell you it's hard for me to watch women eat white stuff?"

"White stuff?'

He said, "You know...like mayo...milk...ice cream..."

I said 'Why?...oh...never mind...pervert...'

And I started eating my ice cream slower.

Afterwards, he asked if I wanted to go for a ride in his Hummer but for some reason I found the thought of that too overwhelming and said no. There was a nearby grocery store; we walked to it. I admired perfectly globed green grapes and he told me a story about working in a grocery store warehouse.

We ended up back at the Hummer. The date was coming to an end and he asked if he could give me a hug.

I stood embraced in his arms for what felt like forever, staring up at the perfect night sky; so full of many bright white twinkling lights.

White Stuff.

The Stalker, His Colostomy Bag, and Broccoli

Okay…

pause…reflect on the title…

Sounds crazy right ?...

…well that’s how it’s gonna end too…

So he was one of those Leo’s who I tell not to even approach me but who does so anyway…because…well….he ‘is different than all other Leo’s…’

And mostly…out of the sheer boredom of my days…I give him my number…

Phone call number 1:     I sit, mouth agape, as he tells me within the first 20 minutes of conversation, allowing no time for interruption, that about 12 years ago he was bleeding from his ‘booty hole’ for days on end and then ‘when it started pouring’ he went to the emergency room, where he was diagnosed with colon rectal cancer.

Now I know this is going to sound harsh…but…I decided right then and there I would not be sleeping with him…

He continues with:          1)how he sleeps on pads to catch the liquid that leaks out of his bag

 2) how he circumvented the disability system and doesn’t work but collects a disability check and

3) he lives with his mommy…

When he did pause, I asked my first question: “Isn’t that too much information to share within the first few minutes of meeting someone?’

He said ‘no because I’ve talked to people for days and then tell them and then next sound I hear is a dial tone…’

Me:   People hang up on you?...like just hang up?

He said ‘Yes’.

Here is where I should say that one of my many quirks in life is inappropriate…or maybe untimely laughter…

So I laughed at the rudeness of someone actually having the gall to hang up after hearing the word ‘booty hole’ from a grown man…

I said’ have you ever thought of softening up(gulp) the way you share this information…it’s kinda harsh…and graphic…’

He thinks this over for a second and says…”I guess…’(I find it hard to believe that no one has offered this suggestion.)

Our conversation continues…I slip into street psychologist mode and ask questions that he very eager to answer…

I learn that his father had passed away of throat cancer and that my new Leo friend then picked up the habit of smoking…the longest girl friend he had had since the cancer diagnosis was 9 months…when you have a colostomy bag broccoli is NOT your friend, you wake up with a balloon of gas…

After these tidbits I decide I need to go to sleep…he asks if he will ever speak to me again…when I say ‘of course’ I am NOT lying…

HOWEVER…when I get off the phone I think…something isn’t right…the graphic information…the inability to use age appropriate words…the sharing so soon…

When I wake up the next morning the street psychologist in me has decided that we will continue talking to this guy…because…he needs a friend? We conclude that that is why he was divulging so much information…he doesn’t have human contact…and while we(as I continue to talk about my self in second person and a little of third...) have concluded that he must NEVER actually touch me…I would be a set of ears for this starving man…

So I call him the next day…we were on the phone for all of maybe 30 seconds before he made an irritating comment.

I told him I was getting off the phone.

That’s the night the phone calls began…many many many phone calls…enough phone calls to confirm  that he needs a lobotomy…

This went on for two weeks…many many phone calls….a few too many emails…all went unanswered by me.

Sound rude?

Not if you are a street psychologist…if you are a street psychologist you know that once someone has crossed the border of ‘many many phone calls’ there is no reasoning or logic going to be had in a ‘closure’ conversation…

Then nothing…I really forgot all about the guy…except…and only when the word broccoli comes up in conversation…

Then one day…a bizarre text message. Actully it wasn’t bizarre, but because I didn’t recognize the number I assumed it was a misdirected text message; meant for another phone number.

The message said : She told me to leave you alone but what did I do wrong?

So I deleted it.

A few minutes later another text came through: WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME?

I call the number attached to the text. When a male voice answers I say ; who is this?

He answers: The guy with the colostomy bag.(the fact that this is his self title...uhhhh yeah...)

I said ‘Why are you contacting me?’

He begins…’well I never got a chance to really talk to you…we only talked for like 30 minutes and then I never heard from you again…’

I said:  ‘Ohhhhhhhhkay???... Please do not contact me anymore. Don’t call me. Don’t email me. Don’t text me.’

I hung up.

About 15 minutes later he sent another text. It was a picture of me lifted from a social website.

That unnerved me.

 I sent him a text:     I don’t know if you know the laws regarding harassment so I am going to ask you one more time to not contact me. Don’t email me. Don’t call me. Don’t text me.

He texts back : Whatever.

That night the” 438 AM unidentified caller/withheld info’ calls began.”

Started crazy. Ending crazy.(still...and it's been three months now...)

The Color Brown

Last year around this time...My son and I went to a UPS store near my house to fax a letter...

There was this outstanding good looking guy working...tall, hot chocolate colored, just handsome standing in all brown attire.

He, in fact, looked a lot like Charles, The Cute Leo, Aka Niko’s dad.

Mr. UPS starts asking me about Niko's age, who was just beginning to walk. I think I answered by saying that Niko’s birthday had just passed or was coming up…I said, 'Luckily for me, he was born just in time not to be a Leo'

Mr. UPS said, 'What's wrong with Leo's?? I'm a Leo...'

I tell him I am allergic to Leos(deciding to leave the word ‘disdain’ out of conversation). I tell him that my dating profile(s) state: 'no Leo's need apply'. I continue by saying, “I think [Leos] are arrogant.”

He’s astounded by my opinion. He says 'Wow...well do you think that about me?'

I say, 'Well...don't know you but I would think that since you are asking me, a total stranger, this question...yes...you are arrogant...'

He turns to his co-workers and says, 'This lady says all Leo's are arrogant...you guys am I arrogant?'

In unison, his co-workers answered, 'Dude...yes!!!"

With that confirmation I felt invincible but confused…here I was feeling drawn to a….ughhh…Leo.

I find out his birthday is a day after Niko's dad. I find this fact mildly comical. Mr. UPS finishes my transaction.

I go home and call up a girlfriend.

From the moment I leave the store til the moment I am on the phone with my friend my feelings for the UPS man have grown and at this juncture I am all IN LOVE with him.

I am in the midst of giving her a blow by blow account of the magic that just transpired at the UPS store, when my phone rings.

I at the caller ID and it's a number I don't know...now normally, I don’t answer unknown numbers(don’t judge me)...

This time I instantly know it's the UPS guy...

I answer the phone and it's him...and he says,”[you]  left the copy of your fax here do you want it or would you like for us to destroy it?”

Inwardly I know this is his excuse to call me…because that’s how Leo’s operate.

I tell him that I would like my copy and he tells me to stop in anytime to pick up the fax. He throws in that he gets off at six but that ‘anyone could help you.’

Inwardly I think him telling me he gets off at six is code for, "I needed a reason to call you. I found one. So come back to the UPS store so we can get married."

 
When I tell my girlfriend, who was still waiting on the other telephone line…when I tell her that the phone call was the UPS Guy…she insists that I am lying.

We giggle like elementary school girls and plan the color scheme of my impending wedding.

Very shortly thereafter I have to get off the phone with her…for I need to plan my picking- up- a- copy- of- a- fax wardrobe…

I spend the next few minutes…okay, about 20 minutes, combing my hair, reapplying eyeliner, slipping on some high heel shoes.

I drive back to the store, and there he is is…in all of his hot chocolate brown glory helping another customer unload a truck…he never even noticed me…

Or my…eyeliner…or high heels…

I hate the color brown.

He's An Automatic No if...

It has been written in all of the history books; if you make a woman laugh, her panties will fall quickly...

David* was really funny...kinda hard on the eyes but the kinda funny without even trying to be funny...
He could order a pizza with extra cheese and soon people would be rolling on the floor in hysterics...

We dated many, many, many times before he made any attempt to kiss me...and during those times I wasn't as brazen as I am now a days...so I waited for a flicker of...passion...on his part.
The first time we kissed I never wanted to stop...
The last time we kissed I asked how he became such a good kisser...it was a question I wasn't expecting an answer to...
He said he was breastfed til the age of 9...years...
I thought he was joking so I laughed...until he told me he was serious...

179 Reasons to Love Me, Part 6

Twice between dates 3 and 10, I tried to break things off with Underwear Guy.

I realized some things he was doing and saying didn’t have “future” in it…meaning when he talked about the life he wanted for himself it didn’t include a significant other.

One night we were playing darts and I asked if he thought he would ever marry again…he looked heavenward and answered, “Do we have to have this conversation now?”

A couple of days later, over the phone, I reluctantly told him that I felt that we were in different stages of want…as far as relationships go.

I told him that while I fine with dating, I didn’t want to date someone whose end goal isn’t marriage.

He said okay.

A few days passed and he called me up. He said, “I really want to see where this leads…”

One night Underwear Guy called. “I know it’s mid week but is there any way you can meet me out tonight…I had a very tough day and I just want to be with you…

Minutes later he called me back to say I would be meeting his best friend, who would be joining us too.

So we meet at his favorite watering hole…His friend is a cynical, single millionaire. I instantly bond with him. We all hang for a while but then Jaded Millionaire can no longer tolerate Underwear Guy and I gazing deeply into each other’s eyes; he leaves.

Underwear Guy makes some flippant remark about relationships, tears instantly spring to my eyes but don’t fall. He shakes his head; as if to say ‘don’t…’ or ‘stop’.

I know if I stay longer the tears are gonna fall…so I tell him I have to leave.

He said, “….please don’t go…just be patient with me…I had an awful day today and it’s YOU that I called to be with…”

I stayed…

There was only one Marvin Gaye song on the jukebox; I Heard It through The Grapevine.

Later while we were getting ready to leave, one tear did fall down my face.

He dried it with a crumpled up bar napkin.

(just to be clear...not US)

179 Reasons to Love Me, Part 5

I remember one time Underwear Guy and I were talking about things that bothered us in relationships. He said that women always got mad when he forgot birthdays, special events, and milestones. He said,”…but I have a legitimate excuse…my memory sucks from getting kicked in the head so much(martial arts tournaments)…”

I called him on it(BS) because I refused to believe that a successful businessman couldn’t remember dates or work out a system to recall dates…like….hmmm…a calendar…

At any rate, the week of my birthday(January 27^th) I had the flu…it was awful, awful, awful…The day after my birthday I woke up feeling renewed…

I am getting a head of myself though…during the days that I was sick and on my birthday I didn’t hear from Underwear Guy.

The day after my birthday he called and he was ready to see me that night…he wanted to go dancing…and asked me to bring a friend to meet his friend.

So plans set, we spend the next hour just catching up on how our week went. I said, “…yeah, it sucks having the flu on your birthday..”

He apologized for forgetting my birthday and I jokingly said “I am sure you will find a way to make it up to me.”

We meet at a club. My friend meets his friend…we separate from them and from that moment on it was like we were the only two people in the room… Sometime during the night he asked if there was any way I could come back to his house that night…he wanted to ‘show me something’…(if you have been following my blog…guys are always wanting to “show” me something)

I said I couldn’t. He pouted. Then he turned into a two year old. He whined that he and his friend had decorated his home, for my birthday, and he wanted me to see it. I offered to come by the next day to see it but NO…it had to be that night or never…I again told him that I couldn’t make it to his house that night and he became so exasperated he was ready to leave.

I told my friend what was going on and she and I decided that we were having a good time and we were going to stay at the club. When Underwear Guy heard about out plan to stay( he felt his night was ending he thought my night should be ending too) he almost blew a gasket. He turned to my friend and said ‘Why don’t you guys just come back to my place? We can finish the party there?’

Since my friend was interested in his friend; she said she wouldn’t mind if we went over to Underwear Guys house.

When we get to Underwear Guy’s house there were handmade birthday banners with my name, letters cut from construction paper, hung around his home.

He bought a bag of dark chocolate Dove candy and an expensive bottle of champagne.

He then pulled some deserts out of the fridge…he had went to a restaurant and bought about 6 different slices of cheesecake.

If I am being real…he had me at the homemade birthday banner…

I’m kinda cheap like that…an act of service and "I’m yours!"

Underwear Guy ran around his house lighting candles and shutting off lights…he put some slow music on…maybe it was Marvin Gaye…and we danced…

Quite frankly, it was the best thing anybody has EVER done for me on my birthday!

179 Reasons to Love Me, Part 4

Whenever Underwear Guy would call me with plans I always proclaimed “Date Number 4!””Date Number 5!”…when we got up to Date Number 6 he asked me to stop counting dates…and “just let it flow…”

When we arrived at Date Number 10, I did tell myself I would stop counting. The very next morning he sent a text stating: “I am not ready for the commitment you want and deserve. I have enjoyed every moment with you but to continue when I know you want so much more would be unfair to you. I hope you understand.”