It was 2004.
I had just joined Myspace, and once I made it past a couple of porn site invitations, I met my first, real, live man.
Physically he looked like a thinner version of Professor Klump. There was something a little off about his face; at the time I chalked it up to me being hyper critical.
After emailing a couple of days, we “star…67’d” each other for a couple more days. Sometimes we would talk into the wee mornings.
Over the phone, while we had good convo, I told him I had already decided that we would be nothing more than friends. He had some mindsets that were a little too extreme to my liking...I didn’t know it at the time but he would be my trampoline into the land of the Undiagnosed Crazy Men.
(Let me go in a different direction for a moment…it’s entirely true that women make up their minds in the first few minutes of meeting and know whether you are someone that they would invite to their bed.)
Finally we decided to meet at Buffalo Wild Wings. I was worried about safety and thought a little Asian Zest sauce to the eyes would provide for a quick getaway.
Since I was newly separated and hadn’t been on a date in years, I thought I would be genius and get to the restaurant early. When I pulled into the restaurant I groaned when I saw The Nutty Professor looking man walking into the restaurant.
I didn’t groan because of what he looked like but because of the way he was walking. It was like watching a sloth on a Segway. It was weird and for years I have never been able to put a description with it until that last sentence.
You know how people say they ‘had a feeling’ things were not going to be good…well I felt this down in my ovaries. Something was saying “Keep driving….noooo…don’t park…noooo…don’t take the key outta the ignition….”
I couldn’t physically describe him now if my life depended on it…I do remember that I thought his features looked to be melting.
We reached to shake each other’s hand, and his hand was damp…and sticky…Nasty…
I started thinking about how I would ask the waitress for an extra side dish of Asain Zest sauce.
I chose a table near an exit…
The waitress immediately showed up and asked if we wanted a drink…I answered swiftly and strongly, “Yes, I am going to NEED a rum and coke.”
Mr. Damphands said, “I don’t drink but I don’t want you to feel bad for drinking alone so I will have a beer.”
I interrupted…”uhmmm…that’s not necessary…if you don’t drink…no need to start on my account…”
He said, “No that would be rude. I will have a beer”
I was starting to hate him.
When the waitress brought our drinks, she then took our food order. The waitress asked if we wanted our fries now or did we want them to come out with our chicken. Mr. Damphands said we wanted our fries with the chicken order…
As soon as the waitress walked away, Mr. Damphands pulled out a wrapped gift and said “I have something for you.”
My hands started to shake as I reached for the gift. I opened it up to find Design of a Decade, a Janet Jackson compilation cd. I was grateful and a little creeped out. I had previously mentioned to him that I planned on getting the cd later in the week.
I said thank you. He said ‘You are so beautiful. Everyday could be like this.”
I looked around Buffalo Wild Wings and took a huge swig of my drink. Mr. Damphands picked up his beer glass and stared into the liquid. He then darted his tongue in and out of the glass.
I kept replaying the image of him ‘drinking’ his beer like that. I picked up my new cd and began reading the list of songs even though I knew them by heart…anything to erase the image of him darting his tongue in and out of the glass.
The waitress soon appeared with our basket of fries. As she was placing the basket on the table Mr. Damphands said, “This is not what I asked for. I told you that I wanted our chicken and fries at the same time! Now take these fries back and when the chicken is ready bring us some hot and fresh fries!!”
If I didn’t hate him before I was positive about how I felt about him now.
When the waitress was out of earshot he said “No tip for her. Sheesh!”
Then he added, “I think I am beginning to feel tipsy…”
While I rotfl in my mind, I noticed something about him. The thing from earlier…from the time when I saw his Myspace pics and I said something was ‘off’ about his face…he had ‘crazy eyes’.
Some people call it Bipolar Lids or Psychotic Pupils…but I am old school so I just simply call it “Crazy Eyes”.
The waitress brought our food to the table and I didn’t eat one crumb. First of all, I knew I wouldn’t be eating anything from the first moment I touched his hand. Damp hands turn my stomach. Secondly, anytime someone is rude to the waitstaff and/or sends any food back to the kitchen, I ain’t eating it.
He had managed to drain my Pleasure Principle.
He devoured the food like he hadn’t ate in days. While he was eating, I started looking around at the other people in the restaurant. At one point I saw our waitress and, what looked to me to be, a couple of folks from the kitchen looking over at our table. They were laughing and then quickly disappeared.
That pretty much summed up my one and only date with him.
I wish I could say that was then end of the story of He.
But I felt so guilty for being shallow, that when my phone rang hours later, I didn’t hesitate in answering.
During the phone call I was telling him that my children were at their dad’s home. And he interrupted my story to ask if my ex husband was allowed into the home when he came to get the girls. I said “Yes?’ He said ‘Well if you was my woman that wouldn’t be happening. If you become my woman I will put a stop to that.”
I said ‘Well…it’s a good thing I am not your woman and won’t ever be your woman.”
He said, “you have no idea what tomorrow brings…’
I said “Look [Mr. Damphands], I told you before we even met that we wouldn’t be anything more than friends. However now I am seeing that that is going to be possible. And I don’t really want to be rude so I am going to hang up now.”
I was in Control.
The next morning when I got to work I had 5 emails from him. The first one he called me an angel that he wished he could hold. The second one he told me to ‘kick rocks’. The thirds one I was deceitful woman. The fourth one he apologized he was just angry for my early dismissal of him without seeing what he was about. The fifth one was a potpourri of emails 2 and 3 and he wanted his CD back.
I simply blocked his number and blocked him from my myspace account.
And the biggest lesson I learned is to look closely at the eyes of a profile picture.
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