The Spaniards Windowless Van

NO. 35 from the Undateable Men VH1 List: If he drives a van. The show specifically mentions windowless vans…

Vans are creepy(sorry Sis!)!

Even Montell Williams warned, “Ladies, NEVER park next to a van!!”

If you have decided that you are going to go on a date with a man in a van…do these things first:

1) Hug anyone in the house for the last time.

2) Call at least 5 people from your contact list and tell them how much they meant to your life.

3) Put your will in a highly visible place…say the front of the refrigerator with some of those letter magnets. Use the letters “V”,“A”, “N”

4) Don’t wear a belt or a scarf.

5) Make sure your cell phone battery is fully charged so that when the cell phone company pings it...

I have to confess…I have dated a man with a van…and yes…I am convinced he was a serial killer.

It was the year 2005.

I was walking 18 miles a day; 9 in the morning to the bus stop and 9 in the afternoon from the bus stop.(This is the excuse I offer as a lack in judgement for the remainder of this story.)

I was cutting through a grocery store parking lot when a guy who looked like El Debarge started driving very slowly alongside me. He was driving a chocolate Maxima.( I want to say here that at that time I only recognized and adored two vehicles…Maximas and Jeeps.)

He said ‘It’s too hot and you are too beautiful to be walking…’

I replied that I did it every day…

I could go on and on with the banter but I will just sum it up here…I was cute back then. He was cute. He had a Maxima. I like chocolate. He offered a ride again. I took him on his offer.

Inside his car it smelled like coconuts and new leather. There was light jazz on the radio. The air conditioning felt like cold feathers on my legs.

On the way to my house he mostly told me all about his Spaniard ancestry. I had never met a Spaniard. I was enthralled.

When we got to my house, he said, “I work down the street from here. I have to come this way every day. I could just meet you up at the bus stop and give you a ride home.’

I thanked him for the ride but declined the offer for the next day.

For the rest of the night I was puzzled over the fact that he didn’t ask for my telephone number.

So next day…I get off the bus after work. I decided to go buy some knickknacks in the grocery store.

As I am coming out of the store guess who’s coming in ?

He says, “Did you get lost? I saw you go into the store…I thought I’d talk you into a ride home…it’s no problem I told you I have to go that way…”

I said “uhmmm…okay…”

So we start walking through the parking lot. And we stop at a white van.

I ask, ‘uhmmm…where is your car?’

He says it’s in the shop.

So he says “Let me take those from you.” He grabs my groceries and opens up the back doors…

He says “…and I am sorry…you are going to have to ride back here too. This is a company van…and I could get in big trouble for having a passenger.”

I said “uhmm…you know what? Nevermind…”

He said, “You have groceries. It’s hot out here. I will have you home in less than three minutes.”

I jumped into the back of the van(Sorry Sis!). He shut the doors. And I was sure I was gonna die. There were no windows. No seats. I had to sit on a crate.

As he started up the van, I noticed no handles on the door.

Worst of all…I couldn’t feel the air conditioning in the back.

I felt the feathers of death on my neck.

I am not lying when I say, I was sure I wasn’t going home.

But true to his word, we pulled into my driveway minutes later.

He carried my groceries into my home and as we passed the laundry facilities, he remarked that if I ever needed a repair man, he could fix anything…

So I say…’wellll…the washer won’t spin…’

He spent the next hour taking the washing machine apart and identified some part that was broken and needed to be replaced. He said if I got the part he would fix it for me.

I thanked him again for the ride. Thanked him for trouble shooting the washing machine and he left.

He was gone about three minutes when I heard a knock on the door…it was him…wanting to know if he could have my telephone number.

After he left I hugged my kids. And I hugged my pillow.

So in my next post I will tell you about our only date and why I am convinced he is a serial killer.